Heavy but not fat wtf??

So fuckin pissed right now, was meant to post last night but didnt have the time once I got in from drama where I got told 'your heavier than you look' and 'your heavy but I didnt mean your fat, your not fat' - I mean surely there the same thing right? I mean I probs have more muscle than fat but still I wanna be light as air not fucking heavy as lead! This has upset me so much, I tried explaning it to the bf but I am pretty sure he's getting sick of my low self esteem by now :/ AND to make matters worse guess which fucker just had pizza...fuckin fat me! I have had an awful day today, it started well but then I started feeling sick and weak - this usally happens a few weeks into whatever diet I do, and is stupidly only solved by eating some form of fatty foods, it sounds crazy I know but everytime I try and persuade myself with fruit and veg when I feel like that it either makes it worse or does fuck all, however I am classing this as my 'free day' in hopes of boosting my metab cos I didnt lose a thing last week stupid plateau so hopefully this has done me more good than bad. Not gonna measure myself until monday though and gonna push through so hard until the end of the week, got 3 more weeks till the show so even if I could just lose 5lbs it would be enough. Got my running gear now so should be taking up running again as of next week, gonna shift this fat even if it kills me!

On a more positve note the dinner party me and my bf went to on Sat was lovely - it was a late royal wedding celebration and we had a lovely time, look horrendous on the photos though, its a proper eye opener :/

xx

Stupid dancing

Well was gonna write this yesterday but when I came in me and my bf were looking after the dog (he's not so well atm) so didnt have time to vent my anger. Anyway I went to drama yesterday and we were doing this dance for a song from a musical, anyway some girls were paired with girls and they have to like drop us on the floor, I was a bit scared of being put on the floor however the director did it with me and dropped me then as I got up I heard 'something something because she's heavy' - I really hope it wasnt about me but considering the circumstances it must have been about me, however you have to bend your leg and I dont think I did it right so the director got like all my weight :/ anyhow I got paired with one of the girls and we sort of done it but just a bit slower than the other people (however some find it easier cos their paired with men - unfortunetly we dont have one for every girl), anyway I am even more desperate to lose this digusting clingy fat, I felt so humilated, I mean even if I was doing it wrong its just unacceptable I want to be graceful so a fucking frump! So I am going to practice and practice until it's perfect, I will BE PERFECT!!! And I am aiming to lose another 7lbs for the end of May when the shows on so I should be lighter by then, just gonna work my fucking fat arse off like never before, I wont be the fat one on the stage!!!

xx

The smell of chips is devine..

Soooooo its been a few days since my last post and well the past few days have been, in a word, shit. I managed to have my 600 cals on friday and got through the hunger pangs I experienced at night however it was a friends house party last night (saturday) and I ate far much more than I intended throughout the day, however only had 3/4 can of fosters so did pretty well drink calorie wise. Good news in though I got up this morning and when I got to my bf's measured myself, only gained an inch on my boobs and half an inch on my waist which will be easier to get off through restricting than it would be had it of gone on my hips :/ luckily it didnt so back on 600 cals today and well all I can smell as my bf plays dead space is fuckin chips, talk about human torture!! I need them so much, I tried to curb my cravings by having an apple and banana but nada only filled me up for like half an hour and now my bf's dad just walked in with chips.....so annoyed, its like food purposely tries to get at me. Well I'm gonna be storng and not give in! God knows how long I'll be sat here though (my bfs dog is ill and well I wanted to go downstairs so he wasnt on his own) anyway onto brighter things...

I finally know what I am going to do with my hair :) I dyed it black again the other day but am going to have either deep red or deep purple slices in it and cut a but like this style I've found (natalie portman) so hopefully in nearly a weeks time I will have a nice style to go with a slightly better figure - gonna work my fat arse off this week, once more inch off my hips would be a godsend!

Onto more brighter things think me, my bf and my friend and her bf are going to go on holiday in July - its too early to make things for definite but we have looked on some sites and decided on where to go, its just when but will be sometime in July, will update on this once I know more.

Anyway onto trawling the net for a couple of hours so will post in a few days

xx