I dnt use this at all....

I really should start posting more shouldn't I? Life just generally sucks at the moment :/ I found myself recently just hating the person I am, I am so jealous of other people because everybody likes them and talks to them and is close to them and here I am...not special at all :/ And honestly I am so confused about my feelings, sometimes I just dont want to be in a relationship, I mean I love my bf so much but I cnt help but think how different I would be and how different my life would be if we weren't together? I seriously contemplating a break from him but he's just got a puppy and well I dnt want to leave the puppy :( Its jst getting me so down atm and I dnt kno what to do anymore. I am defo gonna change my personality because I want to become who I was 3 years ago, I was sweet, innocent and an alright person no I am just so messed up I cant even look at who I have become....I think its too late to change people's opinions of me and well if that's true I might aswell be dead, I'ma good person but I am just so closed up and lack trust in people so how can I ever be my true self???

xx

Heavy but not fat wtf??

So fuckin pissed right now, was meant to post last night but didnt have the time once I got in from drama where I got told 'your heavier than you look' and 'your heavy but I didnt mean your fat, your not fat' - I mean surely there the same thing right? I mean I probs have more muscle than fat but still I wanna be light as air not fucking heavy as lead! This has upset me so much, I tried explaning it to the bf but I am pretty sure he's getting sick of my low self esteem by now :/ AND to make matters worse guess which fucker just had pizza...fuckin fat me! I have had an awful day today, it started well but then I started feeling sick and weak - this usally happens a few weeks into whatever diet I do, and is stupidly only solved by eating some form of fatty foods, it sounds crazy I know but everytime I try and persuade myself with fruit and veg when I feel like that it either makes it worse or does fuck all, however I am classing this as my 'free day' in hopes of boosting my metab cos I didnt lose a thing last week stupid plateau so hopefully this has done me more good than bad. Not gonna measure myself until monday though and gonna push through so hard until the end of the week, got 3 more weeks till the show so even if I could just lose 5lbs it would be enough. Got my running gear now so should be taking up running again as of next week, gonna shift this fat even if it kills me!

On a more positve note the dinner party me and my bf went to on Sat was lovely - it was a late royal wedding celebration and we had a lovely time, look horrendous on the photos though, its a proper eye opener :/

xx

Stupid dancing

Well was gonna write this yesterday but when I came in me and my bf were looking after the dog (he's not so well atm) so didnt have time to vent my anger. Anyway I went to drama yesterday and we were doing this dance for a song from a musical, anyway some girls were paired with girls and they have to like drop us on the floor, I was a bit scared of being put on the floor however the director did it with me and dropped me then as I got up I heard 'something something because she's heavy' - I really hope it wasnt about me but considering the circumstances it must have been about me, however you have to bend your leg and I dont think I did it right so the director got like all my weight :/ anyhow I got paired with one of the girls and we sort of done it but just a bit slower than the other people (however some find it easier cos their paired with men - unfortunetly we dont have one for every girl), anyway I am even more desperate to lose this digusting clingy fat, I felt so humilated, I mean even if I was doing it wrong its just unacceptable I want to be graceful so a fucking frump! So I am going to practice and practice until it's perfect, I will BE PERFECT!!! And I am aiming to lose another 7lbs for the end of May when the shows on so I should be lighter by then, just gonna work my fucking fat arse off like never before, I wont be the fat one on the stage!!!

xx

The smell of chips is devine..

Soooooo its been a few days since my last post and well the past few days have been, in a word, shit. I managed to have my 600 cals on friday and got through the hunger pangs I experienced at night however it was a friends house party last night (saturday) and I ate far much more than I intended throughout the day, however only had 3/4 can of fosters so did pretty well drink calorie wise. Good news in though I got up this morning and when I got to my bf's measured myself, only gained an inch on my boobs and half an inch on my waist which will be easier to get off through restricting than it would be had it of gone on my hips :/ luckily it didnt so back on 600 cals today and well all I can smell as my bf plays dead space is fuckin chips, talk about human torture!! I need them so much, I tried to curb my cravings by having an apple and banana but nada only filled me up for like half an hour and now my bf's dad just walked in with chips.....so annoyed, its like food purposely tries to get at me. Well I'm gonna be storng and not give in! God knows how long I'll be sat here though (my bfs dog is ill and well I wanted to go downstairs so he wasnt on his own) anyway onto brighter things...

I finally know what I am going to do with my hair :) I dyed it black again the other day but am going to have either deep red or deep purple slices in it and cut a but like this style I've found (natalie portman) so hopefully in nearly a weeks time I will have a nice style to go with a slightly better figure - gonna work my fat arse off this week, once more inch off my hips would be a godsend!

Onto more brighter things think me, my bf and my friend and her bf are going to go on holiday in July - its too early to make things for definite but we have looked on some sites and decided on where to go, its just when but will be sometime in July, will update on this once I know more.

Anyway onto trawling the net for a couple of hours so will post in a few days

xx

New diet and such

Well been on my new diet for nearly 2 weeks now and have lost around 7lbs which aint half bad eh? I sometimes have really hard days where I am practically starving but hey no pain no gain (that actually doesnt sound AT ALL right but I think you all know what I mean). I try to space my meals out if I can and constantly write down my intake and exercise in my other journal every night, it also keeps me away from the fridge when I'm doodling in it and such which is always good. I'm hoping to lose around 2 stone by the end of May and seen as I have like only 4 weeks to do it then it's not looking positive so perhaps aim for another 7lbs if possible? I'll still be doing Pilates, Cycling and Zumba aswell however me and a friend are starting a beginners Pole dancing session each week starting the 8th May :) so another thing I can do to rid me of this disgusting fat especially because I have to wear this skirt I was given (I do drama you see) and although mine from 2 years ago still fits I just look awful and can't really go on stage like that people will surely laugh! Thats the end of may hence why that's my target week I am aiming to lose weight for. I am hoping I can do another 5lbs this week coming up, I am gonna drink more water and try alot harder with my diet, only problem is though next week I am attending a meal with my bf's mum and step dad :/ it's a fucking three course thing aswell, so even if I lose weight I will probs gain it back by that night, gonna think of some way to get around the meal, perhaps only eat half??? Hmmm

Right onto yet another problem I've come across, my relationship. Don't get me wrong I'm in love with my bf deeply however for a few months now I have felt trapped and miss the feelin the being single and spending time with my family and friends just being Mariella :/ there has also been numerous times where I have just not felt appreciated by my bf, we had an argument the other day with me ending up sleeping at my house- the argument was awful but we never spend proper time together and I just feel underappreiated, I shouted at my bf explaining this but I'm feeling it just fell on deaf ears, we did talk and have decided that I should stay at home more so I can gain some of my independance back and spend time with my folks which is good, we are also going to take things slower as I always feel like we have to do everything together, sometimes its like we are married and it scares me, I'm only 20 for gods sake however hopefully things will be alot better in a few weeks, watch this space!

Anyhow apart from the things mentioned above I am feeling pretty okay, I found I passed another assignment at Uni so only have to complete one more and get the results for another one, fingers crossed I have passed, will be gutted if I havent :/  I have finished Uni though until Sept so god knows what the hell I'm gonna do up until then, am currently looking for a job but come on who the hell would want me to work for them? Geez if only things were different.

Good night bloggers

xx

Omg I don't use this at all do I?

Well I did have good intentions to write on this daily/weekly but things have been so hectic I haven't had the time, however doing some writing might actually be a way of relaxing so hopefully I am back for good :) Only gonna keep this short as I will post another blog after this one, this is more of an apology for not going on here much. However that should all change from now, oh just to mention it's April now so I'm skipping events of late Feb and March don't wanna get bunged down with ramblings on.

xx

Eurgh!

Well I am currently feeling really down. I don't even know why? However it's probably a compilation of things to be honest. First hand I just hate looking at myself, I have really let myself go, I was looing at pictures of me taken from a few years ago and god I loved how I looked! Now I just have thnder thighs, a pregnant belly and huge bingo winged arms!! I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!!! Supposed to be starting TSD tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to stick to it this time and not cave in! I jsut wish I was like 2 stone lighter and 100 times happier! I thought bying things today would make me happy but it hasn't I feel worse than ever! There's so much going on in m head I feel like I'm about to explode!! Eurgh  I hate my life so much right now, cheer me up please someone??

xx